


Elijah and the Penguins

by icebluecyanide



Category: The Originals (TV), The Vampire Diaries (TV)
Genre: Elijah is so done with his family, Gen, Penguins, canon typical incest subtext, questionable science, starring Kol the Mad Scientist
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-26
Updated: 2017-09-13
Packaged: 2018-12-20 03:06:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11911911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/icebluecyanide/pseuds/icebluecyanide
Summary: Kol is bored, and when Kol is bored, he needs entertainment. Elijah and Rebekah are not pleased with what he comes up with.Or: The story of how Elijah's day gets increasingly more bizarre after he discovers penguins wandering the halls of his family's mansion.Set post TVD 3x15.





	1. Elijah and the Penguins

Elijah raised an eyebrow, looking at the strange sight before him. In all the years of his existence he had never met such disrespectful, such arrogant creatures (although Damon Salvatore had come close on certain occasions). Did they not realize what he was? He stared hard at his opponents, as if the force of his glare alone could make them back down.

The penguins gave him a flat stare in return, before waggling past him slowly. Elijah watched them leave, unsure of how he should react to such behavior. Before he could formulate a plan, the penguins had already disappeared around the corner, and he knew that the chances of finding them again were slim. Niklaus had been thorough in designing their new home and there were more secret passages than Elijah had cared to find out. One could walk for days through the hidden hallways and never run into someone.

The thought that they were  _penguins_ , and therefore inferior bird-like creatures with no real intelligence didn't even occur to him. If they were truly stupid, they would not have survived so long in the mansion. That only left the question of how they had gotten in without being noticed, because if he were honest with himself (and Elijah always tried to be whenever possible) the penguins were quite hard to miss. They couldn't have gotten in without being seen by anyone, so that must mean that someone had let them in.

The answer was so obvious that for a moment he feared that his age had somehow caught up with him and made him forgetful. The next moment he was walking through the hallways at a brisk pace. Within a minute he arrived at the basement of the mansion and threw open the wide doors.

What he found was shocking, but on the other hand completely unsurprising. The basement, that had been a sparsely furnished (fifth) sitting room only three days ago, had been transformed into a high-tech laboratory, with machines purring away on the right side, and several cages on the left.

Several  _open_  cages.

Near the machines and monitors stood his youngest (undead) living brother, looking at the – were those security cameras? When had Kol managed to install those? And how had he not noticed them?

Absently Elijah wondered who was paying the electricity bills for this house, cause it sure as hell wasn't going to be him.

At that moment his brother looked up, a slightly worried look passing over his face before he replaced it with a quick smile.

"Brother! I didn't expect to see you down here," Kol said walking towards him.

Elijah frowned, annoyed.

"I was not planning on coming here, but I just had an -" He paused, looking for the right word, "unfortunate run-in with several birds, and I thought you might know something about that."

Kol's grin only seemed to become bigger.

"You saw them? Aren't they great?" He turned back to the monitors, his grin replaced by a slightly confused face as he continued. "I can't find them anywhere though. They seem to have escaped their cages. Quite an achievement for creatures with no proper hands."

Elijah was not impressed.

"Yes, but what -"

He was interrupted when the doors suddenly flew open and their sister stormed in, dragging one of the penguins by its wing.

"What. Are. These?" she ground out at Kol, emphasizing each word. Elijah noticed that Rebekah's hair was out of its normal shape, and that her clothing looked slightly ruffled, as if she had been in a fight. The penguin was knocked out cold, but then Elijah had expected nothing less of his sister. Rebekah had always hated being ignored, and if the penguins had acted the same as with him, he could imagine what had happened.

Kol's smile widened as he took in Rebekah's ruffled appearance.

"Had a little tussle with the pets, sister? I thought you had at least some standards."

Elijah winced as Kol once again managed to take his teasing too far. Rebekah looked about to explode in anger, so of course Kol had felt the need to antagonize her even more.

"Shut up, Kol!" she hissed at him, throwing the penguin she was still holding on the floor in front of her brother. She had yet to acknowledge Elijah's presence, which was fine by him, as he did not wish to be on the receiving end of her temper unless necessary.

"What are these birds doing in our house? I know you must have something to do with it, Kol, you always do. Well, answer me?" she added when Kol kept his mouth shut, eyes twinkling with uncontrolled mirth.

"You told me to shut up," he helpfully reminded her, seemingly fighting a smile.

Elijah suppressed a sigh. He had over the years managed to forget how terribly childish his younger brother could be. Trying to put a stop to the argument that was about to happen, he spoke up.

"Kol, why are there penguins walking around in our house? And  _don't_ ," he added sternly when Kol opened his mouth, "say 'because they escaped their cages'."

Kol closed his mouth.

"Why are they in this house? What were you doing with them in here?"


	2. That Is Not An Explanation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elijah is not impressed with Kol's explanation.

As they went forward through the hallways, he stared at the others. There were only five of them left now, after their run-in with the blonde one. She had taken down one of their number, and injured three others before they had managed to get away. He noticed his comrade in front of him was limping slightly, as was the one on his left.

When they got to the corner, they moved to let him through. By unanimous decision, he was now their leader, which meant that he was the one who would do the most dangerous jobs. Such as looking around corners.

He carefully peered around the wall into yet another empty hallway. Signaling that the coast was clear, he moved forward. Just as the others followed him, another one appeared.

The shape at the end of the corridor stared at them for a long moment. He stared back, but began slowly inching away to where they had come from. After their previous experience none of them were willing to fight this creature.

Their opponent stared at them for a few more seconds, before quickly walking in the other direction. He watched to be sure that the creature was really gone, before turning to his comrades. They had to get out of here soon, before they ran into another one of the creatures.

They had met four opponents so far. The first one, that had kept them in cages, the dark one that had let them pass, the one just now and the blonde female. He shivered in fear just thinking about her.

Yes, they had to get out of here quickly, but not only because of their opponents. He needed food. It had been nearly a day since the crazy humanoid had brought them fishes, and he was  _hungry_. Looking at his comrades, he could tell that they too were starving.

Now, he just needed to find some way to get out... He looked up.

_Yes, that would do perfectly._

* * *

"It's an experiment," Kol explained gleefully, as Rebekah glared at him. "I was attempting to make them more intelligent. Can you imagine, birds with a brain similar to humans?"

Elijah suppressed another sigh. It did sound like something his brother would do, but it didn't explain where this new fascination had come from. Kol's ideas were usually not so outrageous, not unless something triggered his imagination.

Kol, meanwhile, seemed positively giddy with excitement over his experiment, although Elijah was sure he saw a vaguely worried frown pass over his face when he looked back at the open cages.

Beside him, Rebekah seemed to be preparing herself for yet another scathing remark, so Elijah decided to run interference once again.

"Why would you want to increase their intelligence, Kol?" Elijah asked, slightly annoyed with his younger brother, who still seemed to find the whole situation worthy of a smile. "What purpose could these penguins possibly serve?"

Rebekah impatiently tapped her foot on the ground as Kol took his time to answer. His final answer was not what Elijah would call satisfactory, but it was as good as he could expect from his brother.

"I was bored and since you all had other things to do," He smirked at them and turned to his sister, "I watched some movies like you suggested, Rebekah, and there was this one about sharks where they increased the intelligence to make killer-sharks."

Elijah felt dread settling in his stomach. Surely he hadn't...

Kol shrugged as he finished his story with a grin.

"And then I decided to try the same with penguins."

Elijah was momentarily speechless.  _Killer-sharks?_ Did that mean these were  _Killer-Penguins_?

Kol, being Kol, took advantage of his brother's shock to make a final remark to Rebekah.

"So clearly it's all your fault Rebekah, as I would not have seen those movies had you not been to busy to do something fun with me," Kol said happily, smiling at Rebekah in a way that dared her to take offense at his outrageous claim. Not for the first time Elijah wondered if there were possible side effects to being daggered so long, like brain damage. It would explain some of Finn's more recent behavior...

Rebekah, not one to back down from a challenge, replied with a sharp, "just because you are an overgrown  _child,_ " and soon the two siblings were arguing back and forth, Rebekah getting more and more annoyed, and Kol getting more and more creative in his thinly veiled insults.

Elijah was about to step in, wondering why it was always him that had to break up his siblings' bantering. Niklaus was no help, instead preferring to sit and watch the fight. Where was Finn when you needed him?

Just then, the doors flew open again and Klaus stormed in. From the corner of his eye Elijah saw Kol's smile become almost impossibly wider, and he had the vague notion that he was missing something. The next moment, Niklaus had Kol pressed up against one of the machines lining the wall. Kol grinned as Niklaus glared at him in a way that made Rebekah's death glare look like a beam of sunlight (not deathly, but still bright and painful without their rings).

"Hey Nik!" Kol greeted his brother as if he wasn't pressed against a wall of machines by the same immortal, pissed-off, older brother, "did you see the penguins?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The movie Kol is referring to is Deep Blue Sea. I watched it in primary school when I was eleven, and it scared the hell out of me. Kol thought it was rather funny, though.


	3. Why Suits Are Better Than T Shirts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elijah is mildly impressed at the durability of Kol's T-shirt. Meanwhile, the penguins encounter Caroline.

"Yes, Kol. I did," Klaus bit out at his brother, who still seemed completely unconcerned and, Elijah reflected, even appeared to enjoy seeing Klaus so furious.

"Aren't they magnificent?" Kol asked with a sweet innocent smile, or at least with as close to a sweet innocent smile as a one-thousand-years-old sadistic vampire could come.

Elijah frowned. Kol usually had more self-preservation than this. True, they had all kept the daggers that had been used on them, but he didn't doubt for a second that Niklaus had more silver daggers hidden away somewhere. Surely Kol knew this, so why was he provoking their brother?

Just then, Klaus confirmed his suspicion by threatening his younger brother.

"Do you  _want_  another dagger in your heart?" he growled with a slight hint of disbelief in his voice, tightening his grip on Kol's collar.

Elijah took a moment to admire the durability of Kol's T-shirt. There was a reason he preferred suits, as they were less likely to get ruined in a fight and they made him look awesome. And refined and professional, of course. Nevertheless his brother's clothing seemed of a reasonable quality, judging by the fact that the fabric was still intact despite Niklaus' rough treatment. With a vague and inexplicable sense of pride, he reminded himself that his suit had never fallen apart, even after being attacked with a flamethrower in the Salvatore boarding house during his 'incident'. Surely Kol's clothing would have gone up into flames mere seconds after such an attack.

This train of thought led him to wonder who had dared to try to burn his body. He suspected Damon, as the young vampire had always-

"Oh, come on, Nik, don't be such a buzz-kill," Kol replied, rolling his eyes.

Elijah forced his attention back to the ongoing argument between his brothers. Klaus' reaction was not entirely what he had expected and he had the feeling that there was more to this than he had originally suspected.

"I. Said. No. More. Penguins!" Klaus gritted his teeth and shouted, punctuating each word by slamming Kol against the machines.

Elijah raised an eyebrow. Well, that was certainly interesting. Niklaus had warned Kol about penguins? They had had an actual conversation about... Penguins?

Before he could further analyse this new information, he was reminded of the other person in the room. Rebekah had been remarkably quiet so far, presumably letting Klaus take the lead in their 'being furious at Kol' mission, but now she quickly drew his attention.

"Elijah," she spoke next to him, "what is that? On the screen, the top one, third from the right."

She pointed at the screen and Elijah frowned, stepping forward to get a better look. From the corner of his eye he could see their brothers' attention was now also on the screen, which appeared to show the footage of one of the security cameras.

At that moment an alarm went off on the far side of the room.

* * *

Caroline pulled her jacket close around her as she looked up at the beautiful white mansion in front of her. She shouldn't be here, she owed him nothing. So she had tricked him and used his infatuation with her to distract him long enough for Alaric to kill his brother, but Klaus was evil and had no doubt done much worse things. Killing Jenna and Elena in a freaky sacrifice ritual came to mind.

So why was she here? Definitely not because she felt sorry. No way. She was just here to... explain. Yeah, that's right, she was only here to tell him that really it was all his fault for crushing on her, and just because she went in to distract him didn't mean that he had to follow her outside or stare at her with those bright blue eyes or smile at her in that boyish way of his where she could see his cute dimples -

Ugh! She turned around in frustration and resisted the urge to pout. That would be something Damon would do when he was in a playful mood and she had no desire to be in any way like the elder Salvatore brother. She folded her arms and made up her mind. There was really no rational reason why she was here, it was probably dangerous to be even this close to the Original's house, so she would just go home again. She nodded to herself. Yes, that was a good plan. She turned around to the house to get one more glimpse... And found herself staring at the group of five penguins huddled together on the front step.

The penguins stared back.

Caroline closed her eyes, counting under her breath to ten, all the while trying to remember what kind of illegal alcoholic drinks she had consumed before coming here. So she needed her liquid courage before facing the world's oldest hybrid with a crush on her, so what? She opened her eyes again, expecting to find the penguins to be gone.

They were. That is, they were no longer huddled together on the front step. They were now standing in a neat row less than thirty feet away from her, and they were still  _staring_  at her. Caroline was sure that the penguin on the left was evil, he had this spark in his eyes that reminded her of the way Damon sometimes looked at her back when she was still a human. It was creepy to put it mildly.

She turned around to see if there was anyone else around and when she looked back, the penguins were still staring. They were also at least three feet closer.

"Okay, that's it, I'm out of here, bye!" she rambled slightly hysterical. This was  _creepy_.

She ran.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to clarify: this fic is entirely gen. While there may be some references to recent (3x14/3x15) romantic interactions, it will mostly just be references. The main focus of the story is and always will be on the family and how they deal with the Penguin Incident of 2010.


	4. Always Press The Red Button

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elijah is pretty sure introducing Kol to pop-culture was a bad idea.

For a fraction of a second, no one moved. Then Kol threw off Niklaus' hands and ran to the computers, typing away and muttering,  _''Oh, come on! Really? How did they do that?''_  under his breath. His earlier smile was gone and he now wore the same vaguely worried, vaguely irritated look he had when Elijah first came in. Clearly something was not going according to plan.

''What the bloody hell is going on, Kol?'' Rebekah asked, not happy about having been pushed aside by her brother.

(''Language, Rebekah,'' Elijah chided, but everyone ignored him. He wasn't really surprised, he had long since given up trying to stop his siblings from swearing.

He supposed his time as a vulgar, frequently swearing blood- and beer-drinking viking warrior at the very end of the tenth century had not helped his image as a responsible older brother. Never mind the fact that it had only lasted three years and that he had spent the next thirty years on a farm in Eastern Europe being the most mild-mannered shepherd the world had ever seen or that he had spent the better part of the fifteenth century preventing Kol from taking over the world once the younger vampire had compelled his way into becoming the prince of a small kingdom in Transylvania. None of that mattered of course. No, all that mattered was ''Don't be a hypocrite Elijah. Remember 995?'' and suddenly Elijah's argument was invalid.

 _Younger siblings,_  he sighed,  _they never let you forget your mistakes._ )

''Quiet, Bekah,'' Kol said absently, still frowning at whatever it was that he saw on the monitors.

''Kol, what was that alarm?''

That was Klaus, who was nearly growling at Kol, his anger from just a few minutes ago clearly not forgotten yet. Kol shot him an irritated glare.

''That's what I'm trying to figure out, Nik. Maybe if for once in your life you could have some patience you might find out more.''

And with that, Kol's self preservation was once again thoroughly defenestrated. The look on Klaus' face told Elijah clearly that his brother felt that should Kol throw his self preservation out of the window, he was just begging to be thrown out himself. Elijah, not wanting a repeat of the Budapest Incident of 1848, quickly stepped in.

''Niklaus, calm down. Kol, I can tell you know what the alarm means so stop challenging Niklaus and tell us, or else we might be tempted to destroy all the computers to get this very,  _very_  annoying noise to stop.''

Kol eyed him, probably trying to judge how serious Elijah was in his threat. Elijah glared back, very serious. The bloody noise was slowly breaking down his patience and he may have told Elena he was a patient man, but even a patient man must concede defeat when faced with a never-ending, high-pitched alarm going off less than twenty feet away.

For once showing some sense of survival instinct (or perhaps simply out of concern for his machines), Kol pressed the big red button on the far left of the machine. It read  _'WARNING: Do not press this button'_  and Elijah might have seen the irony in that and have questioned Rebekah's sanity for ever allowing Kol to watch movies. He probably would have, if not for the fact that right now he very much didn't care about anything except getting to the bottom of this penguin business.

The alarm stopped. They all breathed a small sigh of relief.

Elijah had no idea why Kol had thought it necessary to make the alarm so loud, because with their sensitive vampire hearing the sound was almost painful, but Elijah promised himself he would get even with Kol for this. He was good at holding grudges. Sometimes.

''Good. Now, what was the alarm for?''

Kol had an irritated look on his face as he fast-forwarded one of the security tapes. Elijah felt his eye twitch as he realised this particular camera was placed just outside of his rooms.

''Kol.''

From the growling noise that came out of Niklaus' mouth, it was clear that his brother's patience had completely run out this time. As Niklaus moved to Kol in a slow, dangerous way that usually meant that someone was about to get hurt, Kol finally answered.

''The alarm went off when the security was breached. When I found out the birds had escaped, I locked the house and activated the alarm system. They must have found a way out though, smart birds.''

Elijah found it slightly disturbing to hear what sounded like genuine pride and affection in Kol's voice as he talked about the penguins. He resolved to never let himself be daggered again. Clearly the nasty silver nightmares had side-effects. Although now that he thought about it, Kol had always been a little strange with pets.

''- must be around here somewhere... Ah, here they are!''

Elijah looked at the monitor, which was still showing the corridor outside his rooms. There were now also five penguins in the middle of the corridor. Beside him he felt Klaus move back again, and Elijah spared him a puzzled glance, before his attention was pulled back to the penguins and what was happening on the screen.

All four Originals stood completely and slightly unnaturally still while watching the scene in front of them. Elijah wasn't sure if it was shock, but he was fighting the urge to flatly and tonelessly repeat the word  _'What_ ' until the universe decided to make sense. Rebekah had no such restraints.

''What.''

Everyone ignored her, too focused on the screen where one of the penguins seemed to be giving orders to the others using signs, all the while pointing at the ceiling every five seconds. Two of the other penguins stood next to each other in the middle of the corridor and lifted a third penguin to stand on their shoulders.

( _''But Penguins don't even have shoulders!''_  Elijah's mind shouted at him.)

Once the three penguins had formed a stable pyramid, the leader of the penguins climbed on top of the three and reached up to push at something that was not entirely visible on the screen.

Five seconds later he was gone. Kol pressed a small blue button on one of the panels, and the view shifted. This camera was placed lower, and pointed slightly upwards, so they were able to see what they couldn't before. The penguin had not disappeared. It was in a ventilation shaft.

Beside him, he could hear Kol mutter. ''So that's how they got out.''

The fourth penguin quickly jumped on the Penguin Pyramid and pulled itself up into the large shaft. The Leader penguin must have pushed aside the plate covering the opening.

One by one the other penguins were lifted up by the Fourth penguin and the Leader penguin. There were some problems because the last penguin to be lifted was significantly smaller than the others and couldn't reach the ventilation shaft or the other penguins.

Nothing seemed to be happening for a few minutes, the last penguin still standing in the middle of the corridor, nervously looking around. The other penguins seemed to have disappeared. Had they left this penguin behind?

Suddenly, something fell down from the ventilation shaft. Elijah leaned closer to the monitor and realized that it was a rope. In fact, it was one of the very fancy ropes used to bind the curtains together. The last penguin grabbed the rope and was pulled up.

(While this was happening, Elijah's mind reminded him that penguins did not usually have opposable thumbs.)

Once the last penguin had disappeared into the ventilation shaft, the plate was put back on the opening and it seemed as if nothing had happened.

The room was quiet, except for the constant buzzing of the machines and the music coming from Rebekah's iPod that everyone had been happy to ignore for the past few minutes. No one moved.

There were many things Elijah wanted to ask his brother at that moment, the most pressing ones along the lines of w _hat the hell did you do to those penguins?_  and w _hy is there a surveillance camera outside my room?_

What came out of his mouth, however, was this:

''Why do we have ventilation shafts, Niklaus?''

Klaus looked at him blankly, and Elijah hurried to elaborate.

''What I mean is, why do we have such huge ventilation shafts? I know we need the air, but surely they don't have to be so large that even Kol could crawl through them.''

''Of course they have to be this size,'' Niklaus said, resolutely not quite looking at him. ''It's very important.''

''Yes, Elijah, even I know ventilation shafts are always this size,'' Kol jumped in, looking scandalized. Elijah wasn't sure if it was an act or if Kol really felt personally insulted by Elijah's criticism of the mansion's infrastructure. ''Haven't you seen any spy-movies?''

Klaus glared at Kol in a way that clearly said,  _'Not helping'_ , before turning back to Elijah, completely ignoring Rebekah, just like his brothers. Their baby sister had pulled up a chair in front of one of the other monitors and was now watching what appeared to be a high-school soap drama. Elijah chose not to wonder how she had so rapidly become an expert in modern technology or how she had hacked into Kol's system so quickly.

He had received quite enough surprises for one day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The penguins are (were originally) Humboldt penguins, in case anyone was wondering.


	5. Size Doesn't Matter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elijah gets into a fight.

''We need to get rid of them, Elijah,'' Klaus said, a determined look on his face, although Elijah observed with interest the curious way he kept clenching and flexing his fingers. It was unlike his brother to display such nervous behavior.

''Oh come on, Nik,'' Kol exclaimed before Elijah could agree with Klaus. ''They are perfectly harmless!''

 _I really doubt that_ ,  _Kol,_ Elijah thought but he didn't speak up. _They were inside the house, yet they managed to escape. Who knows what they are capable of._  He was still having trouble analyzing the situation. He had never come across enemies with wings instead of arms.

 _But they could still climb_ , his mind supplied.  _They have no thumbs, they shouldn't be able to use their wings for anything useful and yet they still climbed the rope._

Beside him Klaus' incredulous expression showed that he too had doubts about how harmless the birds could be. He glanced to his other sibling, but his sister was still watching the tv show that was playing on the computer screen.

He was about to join the discussion when he felt something move behind him. He turned quickly and suddenly he was face to face (or rather knee to face) with the penguin Rebekah had dragged behind her when she came into the laboratory.

For a split second he was too stunned to move, but he saw Niklaus backing away from him and he vaguely registered Kol's excited expression and the curiosity in his eyes. Before he could compose himself, the penguin approached him.

Elijah watched it advance with mixed emotions. On the one hand he was curious what the bird was planning to do, and on the other he was really starting to dislike penguins, especially penguins that had been trained by Kol.

Then the penguin slapped him.

Shocked, Elijah raised a hand to his face. He hadn't realised penguins could jump that high. It didn't really hurt anymore, his fast healing had taken care of that, but no animal had ever laid a hand on him like that.  _Although technically penguins don't have hands,_  he reminded himself.

The penguin had turned around and seemed perfectly content to waggle out of the room. Elijah had other plans. Klaus was standing in the corner of the laboratory, looking everywhere but at the penguin, while Kol was looking at the scene with a proud smile that made Elijah uncomfortable. Rebekah was laughing at a joke someone in her show made. It was up to Elijah then, and he would be damned if he was just going to let the penguin waggle out of here after slapping him.

Elijah sped forward until he was in front of the penguin, blocking it's path and then he grabbed the bird by it's wing and threw it against the wall. Instead of staying down like most birds would after hitting the wall with such a force, the penguin pushed itself up with its wings.

Elijah frowned, and glanced back to see if he could expect any help from his siblings. It seemed unlikely: Rebekah and Niklaus were (deliberately) not paying attention to the fight, and Kol was cheering for the penguin.

 _Thanks for the support,_  Elijah thought sarcastically as he turned back to the penguin, only to realize it was right in front of him. The next moment he was being pushed, hard, back into the laboratory.

 _The bird's strength is on the same level as mine,_  he realised with a start.  _What the hell has Kol done to these birds?_

He tried to find his balance, but he was falling backwards and suddenly he hit his head hard against the empty cages and he felt a blinding pain in his neck.

* * *

 When he opened his eyes again, the pain was gone, and so was the penguin. In its place was his youngest brother, grinning down at him.

''Quite amazing aren't they?'' Kol said as he offered Elijah a hand to help him up. Elijah accepted the help, but didn't reply to his remark.

''You shouldn't underestimate them, brother.'' Kol added with a mischievous sparkle in his eyes.

Elijah ignored him and focused on fixing his suit. The problem with penguins, he decided, was that they were too small. It made it incredibly difficult to wrap your hands around its neck, like he liked to do to unruly vampires.

 _And they have even less respect for suits than Niklaus,_  he thought as he looked at the dirty front of his suit. He would have to change again, he realised with a sigh. These suits had lasted so much longer back when he was still looking for a way to kill Klaus. Nowadays he would usually need two suits a day, with all the 'accidents' that kept happening around his family.

Rebekah had sworn it was an accident when she spilled her glass of blood on him after he returned from his night with Elena. That had been his favorite suit, but he had to have it dry clean four times before the stains were gone.  _  
_

And then there was the time half his wardrobe caught on fire when Niklaus was ransacking it for a bow-tie to wear to their Mother's ball. He suspected it had been Kol, but he couldn't prove it. He had lost five suits in that fire, and he had to have the rest dry-cleaned multiple times to get rid of the smoke smell.

(Niklaus had had to buy a new bow-tie and returned hours later with a complete tailored suit. Elijah thought he was trying to impress Rebekah or even their Mother, but instead he had spent the whole evening trying to woo Caroline Forbes, one of Elena's friends.)

When he looked around the room he saw Rebekah was done with her show and was now telling Kol she wanted the birds gone.

''Bekah,'' Kol was saying in a tone that implied he thought his sister was being completely unreasonable. ''They are  _penguins_. There is no need to kill them.''

Before his sister could reply Elijah joined their conversation. ''Actually, Kol, we do need to kill them. I don't know what you have done to those birds, but they are strong. Too strong.''

He paused, thinking.

''We can still defeat them. I lost this fight because I underestimated the bird,'' He ignored Kol's chuckle and kept going. ''but it will not happen again. The next time we see the birds, I say we put an end to them. They are too dangerous to be left alone and too unpredictable.''

To his left Rebekah was nodding along with what he was saying, but on his right Kol was wearing a stubborn look that Elijah knew quite well. It was a look Kol had worn many times back when they were still human, and it generally meant that there was no way Kol was going to help. Not even their father had been able to convince him otherwise.

Elijah resisted the urge to sigh.

And to think this day had started so pleasantly. He had watched the sunrise this morning, thinking of Elena, the lovely Elena who had so much compassion in her it was likely to be the end of her one day. And he'd also thought about his family. Rebekah, who he knew was secretly pleased to have her brothers around her. Then there was Kol, who had missed out on an entire century of technological developments but seemed to have caught on quite fast. (Too fast, he realised now. He was quite sure genetic modification wasn't capable of producing these monster-penguins yet.)

And Niklaus... Elijah couldn't remember the last time he had seen his younger brother so happy, and it had hurt to have to tell him about Mother's betrayal. It was in that moment that he realised that yes, he had forgiven his brother for what he had done. With the exception of Finn and Moth- and Esther, (it still hurt to think of that) he had his family together again. He had been planning to invite his siblings to get out of Mystic Falls for a day to just enjoy each others' company. He had been on his way to talk to Niklaus about it when he saw the penguins.  _Well, I suppose that trip is canceled now._

''Kol, we need to know if there is a way to kill them,'' Rebekah said, glaring at her brother. ''You're not stupid, I know you wouldn't create monsters like this without some fail-safe for if things went wrong.''

Kol didn't answer, instead preferring to stare intently at some of the screens behind Rebekah's head. The silence went on for a few awkward seconds before Rebekah seemed to realise what Kol was implying. Elijah felt like hitting his head against the desk repeatedly, but he knew from previous experience that such an action would not solve the stupidity that occasionally plagued his family.

''You didn't...'' Rebekah whispered disbelieving and more than just a little bit angry. ''You fool! You let those  _beasts_  run around not even knowing if there is a way to stop them?''

Suddenly Kol's eyes swung back to his sister, an irritated look on his face. Elijah couldn't shake the feeling that Kol's irritation was completely genuine. This was suspicious, since Kol's reactions were very rarely genuine. Of all his siblings Kol had always been the best actor.

''I was still in the testing phase,'' he said defensively. ''I didn't know they would escape their cages before I was done.''

Rebekah seemed ready to throw a tantrum, but Elijah had more important matters to discuss first.

''None of this matters if we don't know the location of the birds in question,'' he said in a reasonable tone, ''and since none of you saw fit to stop the last penguin from escaping the building, we now have no idea where they are.''

He glared at his siblings when he said that, still irritated from the lack of help he had received. Kol had even had the nerve to  _cheer_  for the  _penguin_. Rebekah hadn't torn her eyes away from the screen for even a second. He was sure that any normal human being would have been deaf already from the sound volume she used when watching her series.

(Rebekah had claimed it was educational, that it explained high-school life to her, but from what Elijah had seen it painted a rather skewed image. It seemed to involve mainly football players and cheerleaders. He knew Elena had once been a cheerleader, and clearly it wasn't all there was to high-school, but Rebekah had refused to listen. ''Nik said it would help me adjust,'' she had told him.  _Nik thought wearing a dog whistle was fashionable, Rebekah_ , he had wanted to reply but he knew it would be futile to argue with his sister about these things. Besides, she probably wouldn't believe him, and he had burned all the evidence he had found about Klaus' appalling fashion sense from before he pulled the dagger from Rebekah.)

''For now,'' he said, ''I suggest we try to locate the penguins, and then we all knock them unconscious and lock them back up in their cages. We can decide how to kill them later.''

''Or if we kill them at all,'' Kol added with a cheerful smile.

''We can decide later,'' Elijah repeated firmly, seeing the glare Rebekah was sending Kol. ''For now we need to find the penguins. Kol, do you have any more cameras? Not just inside the mansion, but also outside?''

''A few.'' Kol shrugged, unconcerned. ''Only the places you, Niklaus and Rebekah frequent the most.''

''You've been  _stalking us?_ '' Rebekah asked, rather loudly and indignantly. Elijah wasn't sure if it was the lack of privacy that was bothering her or the fact that it was them he was stalking and not some innocent human.  _Probably both,_  he decided.

Kol was grinning, looking unrepentant. ''Of course, dear sister. And you have  _no idea_  what kind of interesting things one learns about one's sister when one cares to look. Certain extracurricular activities at the Salvatore Boarding house for instance.''

Rebekah turned red from anger and possibly embarrassment.

''That was none of your business, Kol,'' she hissed furiously.

''Of course it was my business, Bekah,'' Kol said, smirking arrogantly. ''Or else you wouldn't have done it in front of the cameras.''

''Let's just locate the birds so we can go,'' Elijah said, finally beginning to lose his patience with his siblings arguing, but but Kol and Rebekah didn't even seem to hear him.

From the moment he had woken up again after the fight Elijah had had the feeling he was forgetting something, but it wasn't until he heard a fourth voice join the argument that he realised what it was.

''I'm not going,'' Klaus said.


	6. Penguins Are Not Pets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elijah gets an explanation, or what passes for one these days.

It was amazing how such a simple sentence could so completely stop the increasingly loud argument between his two siblings.

Elijah looked at him, puzzled. Niklaus was standing near the door, as far away from the cages as possible.

"I beg your pardon?"

"I'm not going," Klaus repeated firmly.

Rebekah looked at him, annoyed to have been interrupted in her tirade about the importance of privacy and keeping your younger sisters happy because they know where your room is and are in possession of a flamethrower.

("How would you like to go around naked after I burned all your clothes brother?"

"Why sister, if you wish to see me naked all you need to do is ask." Kol shot back, smirking.)

Rebekah's patience – always in short supply – appeared to be running out. "What do you mean, Nik, of course you are going."

"No, I'm not." Klaus replied stubbornly.

"And why not, exactly?" Elijah asked, frowning.

"I don't like penguins," Klaus stated, resolutely not looking at Kol. Elijah's youngest brother was currently attempting very hard not to smile and failing miserably.

Elijah briefly closed his eyes at that, trying to keep his patience.  _Why did he have to be related to these people?_

"Niklaus, no one likes penguins," he began after taking a deep breath and then paused, "except Kol apparently."

"Yes," Kol said enthusiastically and completely missing (or quite possibly ignoring, Elijah could never quite tell with Kol) the deadly glare Rebekah sent his way. "These birds are amazing! Did you see them move? And they don't walk, they waggle!"

Klaus shuddered.

"And besides," Elijah said loudly, ignoring his youngest brother's interruption, "we are still linked together as one. These birds pose a threat to use, and everything they do to one of us they do to us all."

Klaus shifted uncomfortably for a moment, before turning to Elijah, his eyes seeming to lock on to the stains on the front of Elijah's suit.

"Brother," Niklaus began with a smile that was even more insincere than the charming smiles he used to give the upper-class ladies he seduced back in the day.

(Elijah could never understand how people didn't immediately become suspicious when his brother smiled at them like that, but then again they didn't know about Niklaus' tendency to get people in trouble. Mikael had not appreciated his sons losing all the arrows in the woods after Niklaus had finally convinced Elijah to show him how to handle the bow. Elijah had resolved to never listen to his brother after that.

The next week Niklaus had smiled at him and asked if Elijah could show him how to track animals through the woods. They were several hours lost in the woods by the time Elijah remembered why listening to Niklaus was a bad idea.)

"I believe you are in need of a change of clothing. Shall I see if I have a suit that fits you?"

Elijah stared at him.

(Next to him, Kol leaned over to whisper in his sister's ear. "Speaking of a change of clothing, how  _did_  you manage to stitch your dress back together, dear sister? I feared your gown might be permanently damaged considering how  _rough_  the Salvatore boy was."

"You would know," Rebekah said sweetly, with an undertone of menace, "how long did it take for your neck to heal again?")

Klaus glared back at Elijah, daring him to make his move. Centuries ago, when Elijah was still his brother's right-hand man, they had designed a special code to be able to communicate without their company becoming suspicious. Apparently his brother wanted to talk to him in private about a matter. Klaus was becoming increasingly agitated however, as Elijah failed to respond in the usual manner.

Elijah took a moment to watch is younger brother squirm (no one could ever accuse him of being  _nice_ , and to be honest he still felt a little annoyed with Niklaus. Also, it wasn't often that you would see Klaus like this, and Elijah was all for enjoying the moment) before finally taking pity on him.

"Rebekah, why don't you and Kol try to locate the penguins," he announced, interrupting the staring contest his two siblings seemed to be holding. "Niklaus still owes me five suits, and I intend to collect. Kol, you will pay for the suit to replace this one. Your pets, your responsibility."

"They're not  _pets_ , Elijah," his brother protested. "They're  _penguins_. Everyone knows you can't keep  _penguins_  as  _pets._ "

Kol was looking at his brother as if Elijah had just claimed that there was ice in the desert. (A faulty metaphor, Elijah acknowledged in his mind, since at night temperatures in the desert could drop to below the freezing point of water.)

"Your penguins, then," he allowed, too tired to argue with Kol on such irrelevant matter. "It doesn't matter, you will still pay for the suit, but first you will use your security cameras to locate the penguins."

With a pang of irritation he realised Klaus was tugging on his sleeve, urging him to come with him to a more private setting.

"Please try to find the birds as soon as possible, I want this penguin business done and over with."

Rebekah nodded, barely glancing their way as she was typing away on one of the keyboards. Images were flashing by at speeds a human's brain was not equipped to handle. Kol appeared ready to argue further, but then he noticed what his sister was doing.

"'Bekah, what is that?! How did you get into the security system?"

He seemed vaguely upset his sister had managed to do so in such a short time, and Elijah reminded himself to never underestimate Rebekah again. Their sister had a temper worse than Niklaus' and a mean streak that equaled their father's. It was only wise to remember she had familiarised herself with modern technology within a week.

By now Niklaus' tugging had become harder to ignore and finally his brother's patience seemed to have worn out as he just grabbed Elijah's arm and steered him towards the door, dragging him along.

"Elijah let's go," Klaus hissed.

Elijah shook off his hand, but followed Niklaus as they made their escape from Kol's laboratory. Niklaus really had no respect for proper clothing. This was his best suit, thank-you-very-much, and he liked to keep it that way. Elijah felt a pang of anger when he thought of the ruined suit jacket he had woken up in less than a week ago. Did Niklaus have any idea how expensive good suits were? Getting out blood after four months was nearly impossible, not to mention the hole made in the fabric due to the dagger.

Klaus took advantage of his temporary distraction by leading him to a room Elijah recognised as Rebekah's and then pulling him into the bathroom. Immediately he turned on the sink, the sound of the falling water distorting what they were about to say. Elijah closed the door behind them and leaned against it, leveling a blank stare at Niklaus.

To his credit, his brother didn't fidget, instead preferring to pace in the spacious bathroom.

"Well," Elijah said finally, not wanting to wait any longer before Klaus explained why he had wanted to speak to his older brother in private. "What is it?"

Niklaus glared at him for interrupting his pacing. Elijah raised an eyebrow in response and made a move as if he intended to leave. Klaus stopped walking and turned to Elijah, taking a deep breath, before starting his explanation.

"In 1908, Rebekah and I went to this zoo, and they had penguins, and one of them kept hitting on me."

Elijah frowned, once again leaning back against the bathroom door.

"Surely your injuries were minimal-"

"No!" Klaus interrupted him, now sounding slightly hysterical, "I mean it kept  _hitting on me_. It was constantly bringing me fishes and showing off its  _diving_  skills and trying to  _cuddle_  with me."

Elijah stared at his brother, who was looking nauseated by the mere memory.

"And I wanted to kill the bird, but Rebekah said she liked penguins, and there were so many people around and then  _Kol_ showed up and-"

He took a deep breath, composing himself, while Elijah kept staring at him.

"So you see, I don't like penguins. They are annoying, loud and they stink of fish," Niklaus concluded once he had regained his composure. The glare he shot Elijah told him that should he ever mention his little breakdown to anyone, Klaus had several silver daggers he wouldn't mind using.

Elijah was speechless. Whatever brilliant excuses he had imagined his brother to have, this was not one of them. Nevertheless, he quickly recovered (you don't become one of the most feared vampires without being able to process your surprise quickly) and he rearranged his face into a mildly exasperated expression.

_Really? Klaus had been on the run for over one thousand years from their father who was trying to kill them and he chose to be afraid of penguins?_

Apparently Klaus couldn't be bothered to wait for his brother to get over his surprise and after staring at Elijah's vaguely disappointed face for a few awkward moments he spoke up. "Well? Aren't you going to say anything?"

"What is there to say?" Elijah asked, raising his eyebrows. "You are afraid of penguins. No doubt Kol knows this already, given your earlier remarks. Our sister presumably does not, which would explain why you insisted on our current location for this conversation."

"I'm not afraid of penguins," Klaus said defensively and Elijah would as much have believed him if he had said he'd never killed someone before. (Although Niklaus had an annoying habit of at occasion acting like he was as innocent as a lamb. It would have been amusing if he didn't suspect Niklaus bought into his own delusions. Sometimes Elijah really worried about his brother's sanity.)

"I just don't like penguins. Also Rebekah doesn't need to know about this."

"I have no doubt she'll find out soon enough anyway."

Klaus narrowed his eyes in suspicion. "What do you mean? You are not going to tell her, brother."

Elijah refrained from rolling his eyes. Was he really the only person in this family capable of putting one and one together?

"Where are we, Niklaus?"

"Rebekah's bathroom," his brother answered promptly. "So, what of it?"

"Do you really think," Elijah replied slowly, as if speaking to a child, "that Kol did not put up cameras in every room in this house?"

Klaus chuckled briefly. "And? Kol already knows and he also knows better than to tell Rebekah."

"Yes and our sister is currently hacking into Kol's security system."

Klaus' eyes widened as he realised what Elijah was implying.

"So like I said, I don't doubt she'll find out soon enough."

"But the running water-" Klaus started.

"Will not actually prevent her from reading your lips on the video footage," Elijah finished for him, before taking pity on his brother. "Really Niklaus, it's not like you could keep it a secret from her forever. It's better if you stop lying to her about matters of import, you know how she got last time she found out you lied."

Klaus glared at him, knowing fully well what Elijah was referring to. He didn't fancy being stabbed by Rebekah's dagger again.

Elijah deliberately looked away, composing himself and completely ignoring the feel of his brother's glare, before walking over to close the running tap at the sink. In the suddenly silence that followed he turned to his younger brother, who had a depressed look on his face that Elijah found it incredibly hard to find pity for. Fortunately Niklaus pulled himself together slightly once Elijah looked at him, unimpressed.

"Shall we go back to the laboratory then? I believe it's time to decide on a plan of action."

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on fanfiction.net back in 2012. I debated for a while whether to share it on here at all as it's quite silly, but at some point I'll just have to come to terms with the fact that my most popular story ever is tvd crack fic about penguins. Also there's a new update coming up soon, I guess.


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